so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
