Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
