she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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