last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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