my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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