I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
