Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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