The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
