This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
