At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize