I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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