i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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