I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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