The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
