I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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