Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
