totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
