I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
