First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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