Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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