I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
