there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
