If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
