This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
time to smoke my breakfast
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
