After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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