one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize