I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
