I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
