apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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