are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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