If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
