just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
