the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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