i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I forgot how hot balto sounded
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
