HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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