I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
