Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
