allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
