awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
