how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
