Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
