If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
