haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
