2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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