I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
