next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
