a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
