Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
