I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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