May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
