mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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