Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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