The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
