She is in my trunk
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
