I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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