I haven't been this sober since birth.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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