How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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